253 The Secret to Setting and Honoring Your Own Boundaries
Are you tired of saying yes when you really want to say no? Discover the secret to setting and honoring your own boundaries without feeling the need to justify your choices. In this episode, we dive into the unique challenges faced by people pleasers, particularly women, as they navigate societal pressures to explain their decisions. Through personal stories, like the struggle of declining social invitations, we highlight why your reasons for setting boundaries are valid and don't require validation. Learn how clear boundaries can help you gain control of your schedule and stop others from dictating your time.
In this episode, I cover:
- Four steps to help honor personal boundaries and manage time effectively
- How setting clear boundaries can help prevent others from dictating your time
- The importance of recognizing that "no" is a complete sentence
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FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Megan:
I'm sure you've heard the saying no is the complete sentence whenever someone is trying to discuss the importance of boundaries and really honoring our time, and that's great. However, there's something really hidden here at Play for my fellow people pleasers. So let's go ahead and jump in. Welcome to the Work-Life Harmony podcast. Guess what? You don't have to feel constantly overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed out. There is another way. When you have the right systems and tools to plan and manage your time, you can live a life of harmony. If you're ready to stop feeling overwhelmed, this is the show for you. Hey there, welcome back to Work-Life Harmony. Now, full disclosure here.
Megan:
Today, what I'm going to be sharing with you is something I am actively still working on, work in progress over here, because I do tend to, in certain aspects of my life, fall a little bit into the people pleaser category. Now, I have discussed boundaries with you here on the podcast before in different flavors, but today I really want to give you. At the end, I'm going to be giving you four steps that you can take that can really help you honor boundaries that you want to create and set up for yourself your time, your calendar. Now, before we jump into what those are. I think it's worth having the conversation of why, in particular, people pleasers and women that would label themselves as people pleasers have a hard time honoring their boundaries. Now, you probably already know of all the usual reasons why we might feel guilty if we say no we're worried about what people are going to think about us, all the stuff that kind of lump up under the people pleaser. But there's a very subtle thing at play here that I think most of us don't realize, and it is that women in particular oftentimes feel the need to validate or explain, give a reason why we are needing to potentially say no or, in some cases, yes, and I'll give you examples of both when maybe we really did not want to, and if we feel like our reason that we're going to give for why we're saying no to something isn't a quote good enough reason or a reason that we're comfortable saying to somebody else, then we end up like not honoring our boundaries and maybe going okay, I'm going to say yes to this even though I want to say no.
Megan:
So, for example, in my life, usually, by the time Friday rolls around, friday night is not a night I enjoy typically going out, unless it's like at four o'clock in the afternoon. I know I'm pretty pooped and motivating to get up and go out and have an evening out on Friday as something. Could I do it? Sure, do I desire to no, but if there were, let's say, someone extended an invitation to me and maybe it was for an event or was it to help someone out or something like that. And hey, it's Friday night, megan, could you come? If I subconsciously think that I need to tell them why I'm saying no and my answer is I would really rather just sit on my couch and watch a movie, I'm going to think well, that's not a good enough reason to say no, right? So I'm going to end up saying yes. So oftentimes this is happening and you don't even realize it. Subconsciously, you're like well, here's the reason why I want to say no and they aren't going to think that's a good enough reason. Therefore, I'll say yes.
Megan:
Now, here's what we have got to understand A boundary your reasons for saying yes or no to things do not require an explanation, right? Your yes or no is a statement. It does not require all the reasons or justifications. Why Now think back again? I'm old enough that you know. I grew up when I still liked getting things in the mail, and people would send invitations in the mail, not on eVites, not verbally or whatever. Even think back to a traditional wedding invitation, right? Usually in those you're given an RSVP card, or even if you were to send an invitation out on eVite. Today, when people log in, what does an RSVP section include? All it includes is a spot for you to check yes or no RSVP cards. Don't say and now provide your justification, but we feel like we need to, and so this ends up leading us down a path where we often are saying yes to things we don't want to or, in some cases, saying no to things we might actually want to do.
Megan:
Now, why am I passionate about this? Why do I even come on and discuss boundaries here on the podcast? Well, the fact is, if you do not establish for yourself and then honor very clear boundaries regarding your time, you will never have control of your calendar again, and having control of our calendar is something we absolutely need to have in order to live true work-life harmony. It is so important that boundaries is actually one of the nine key components inside of the top framework. When we look at the pillar around time management, boundaries is one of them. All right, because without it, what will happen is everybody else is going to start making demands of us in our time, our calendar gets out of control, and then we end up looking at our calendar and we do not like what we see. Right, it does not feel very harmonious, joy-filled, etc. So let's dig into how this impacts our calendar a little bit. All right, so let's dig into how this impacts our calendar a little bit, all right. So first let's talk about when we feel like we end up saying yes to all the things that maybe we really don't want to say yes to All right.
Megan:
Perfect analogy is, let's say, I always like to use kind of money analogies because it's a little bit more tangible. Let's say that you were walking through the aisles of a Costco or a Target. Right, you came, you went in, there were three things on your list, but then, as you're walking through, you start seeing all sorts of other stuff and they end up in your cart and you go check out and you spend way more money than what you thought you were going to when you walked in there. Well, now, maybe a week later, something presents itself. That is something you would really want to make a financial investment in, but guess what? You spent all your money last week at Target, so now you have nothing left, right? So maybe you filled, you know in this situation, spent all your money on things. You're kind of going, oh, I would have rather have done this instead. Well, this is what happens.
Megan:
When we just say yes, yes, yes to our time and our calendar is we end up filling it with all sorts of things that maybe we really didn't want to spend our time on, and that usually results in shortchanging ourselves time for ourselves, our interests, our desires, time for rest and relaxation, right. And you know, a good sign that this is you is every day when you sit down and look at your calendar for the day. There's kind of that groan of like, oh, when we see those things on our calendar that we really are like, oh, I wish I had said no to this. Now, on the flip side, there's another aspect to the people pleasers here, as it relates to boundaries that often gets overlooked. Pleasers here, as it relates to boundaries that often gets overlooked, and it is when we say no to things that we wanted to say yes to, because we believe that saying yes might inconvenience someone else. And remember, at the beginning of this I said I'm still a work in progress. This is an area I am a work in progress on. It is my number one boundary I am working on for myself this year. So maybe an invitation comes in for something I really would like to do. But I know, if I say yes, if I see that this is now going to require me to ask for help from someone else or feel that I might inconvenience someone else, then I might say no.
Megan:
And so there is times when you would like to see your calendar full of some things that you love, but you're always saying no because you're that people pleaser that does not want to inconvenience others, right? So that's the sneaky one, it's obvious, on the people who say yes. So we fill up our calendar because we're people pleasers and just want to make everybody like us. But there's also where you're really missing out on things because you're people pleasing and you don't want to inconvenience other people. Your people pleasing and you don't want to inconvenience other people. So if you feel like, oh yeah, and a way that you'll know that that's you, is when those events are happening that you said no to and you just have that sinking feeling in your gut. We were like I wish I'd been there. Why didn't I say yes, I could have made this work right.
Megan:
So how do we start? Where can we take steps in our day-to-day life to really help hone in on making sure that we truly are in control of our calendar and we're putting the right boundaries in place? It is all around mastering one simple sentence, and you can tweak it up to make it your own, but here is the sentence Okay, let me check my calendar and get back to you. Meaning, in the moment, whenever somebody sends you know, asks you hey, megan, are you free to do, you know whatever? It is never in the moment say yes or no, because what we need to do is build a little bit of space for you to walk through these next four steps that I'm going to give you, and the easiest way to do that is to say hey, let me check my calendar and get back to you, because now you're acknowledging I heard you, I hear what you're asking. I need to go make sure that I can, you know, figure out a good decision of whether to say yes or no Now, when, when you know, invitation comes over email. You've already got that space.
Megan:
But verbally, this is usually where we get sucked into the yeses that we wished we'd said no to, or we instinctively just say no because we start in our head thinking about all the ways that this might inconvenience others. So we start off by practicing the phrase let me check my calendar and get back to you. Or it could even be hey, let me check with my family. Right, whatever works for you. Then here are the four steps that you're going to go through.
Megan:
Step number one is understanding what is the full-time commitment of this right. So if you were to say yes to it, let's say maybe it's. You know someone says, hey, are you free to meet up for coffee next week? Well, maybe it's thinking, okay, well, it's about 30 minutes for coffee, but oh, it's 20 minutes for me to get there. It's 20 minutes for me to get back. I'll need to kind of get up earlier to get dressed or whatever. Maybe that 20-minute coffee you're now realizing is really an hour and 15 minutes, all right. So make sure you put the thought around understanding what is the full-time commitment.
Megan:
If I were to say yes to this, then now we have to go look at the realities of our calendar and say what is my calendar already showing me meaning? Is that time already spoken for now? If the answer is yes, it doesn't necessarily mean you're just going to say no right away, because you're going to have to figure out what's more important, right? Do I move the thing that's already on my calendar to say yes to this or not? But the very first thing we need to do is go.
Megan:
Just, you know, once we understand the time commitment, that second step is what does my calendar show? Now, your calendar might show that it's absolutely impossible, right? Maybe you know you're out of town on a vacation and you can right away say nope, can't do it, I'm not even here, it's not physically possible. But we need to go, look at our calendars to see what is my calendar showing me. And here are some things that we're looking for. If it's not an obvious, physically impossible you know, back to that coffee appointment, right? Is the calendar showing you that you have a super full day? The rest of that day, and adding one more thing in might be a really bad decision, right? So, even though the time is free, we want to look at all the time around it to say what is this really? What is the real impact here for me regarding how I, how I make my decision?
Megan:
So once we've done step one, the time commitment, step two what is your calendar showing now, the third step for you is to say how do I honestly feel about this? Like, what does my gut tell me? Is my gut right away going like for me, oh man, friday nights, it's really hard for me. I'll understand, as I'm free, but I know that that's hard for me to get up and get out the door on a Friday night. Or is your gut maybe going oh my gosh, I totally want to do this, but, oh man, that means I'm going to have to call and ask someone else to pick up my child that day from practice or school or whatever, and oh, do I really want to do that? All right, but you want to hone in on what is your true desire. How do you feel about this? Is it something you really want to say yes to or something you would prefer to say no to, and dig into why. Because that's going to lead you to what you know your answer should be.
Megan:
And then the final step is responding without any justifications or explanations A simple I can't, or I'm sorry I can't, or just a flat out no, right, I mean RSVP cards just had a yes or no. Oh, I can't, that's it, no justification. Or yes, right, no justification. And as soon as you've made that yes or no, now you go schedule it on your calendar so that you have that reminder there. Now, if it's something, you know that where I'm the work in progress where I'm looking to say yes to the things I really want to, even though I think it might incommunate someone else, I might also be adding things into my calendar to remind me to, you know, find the help that I need to get the support in place so that I can go enjoy this event. But again, your, your key takeaway here today is to remember you do not need to justify what you're saying yes or no to as it relates to your calendar. The only way you're going to take to actually be in the driver's seat of your time in your life in your calendar is by making sure that you are honoring how and where you want to spend your time and aligning it with the things that are most important to you. So I hope you all will start practicing the phrase. Let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you.
Megan:
Getting on top of all things time management, organization and productivity doesn't have to stop just because this episode is over. If you are feeling overwhelmed, your calendar's out of control or you're just running in a race that will never end in terms of your to-do list, I have great news for you. I have an app in both the App Store and Google Play called the Pink Feed, and it is chock full of small but incredibly powerful trainings to help you get out of overwhelm. It includes my signature Ditch the Overwhelm training and introduction to my time management framework, built specifically for women. In addition, you get access to my epic one notebook challenge and some tips and tricks on how to get your phone organized to minimize distractions. All of that is available for you right inside the Pink Bee app. So open up either your app store or Google Play, do a search on the word the Pink Bee all one word and download the app to get started today.
