246 Managing the Mental Load
Ever felt like your to-do list is a never-ending marathon, especially when it comes to managing family schedules, appointments, and daily chores? This episode tackles the invisible yet heavy mental load that predominantly affects women and primary caregivers. I'm bringing attention to how current productivity solutions often fall short in addressing this burden. Real-life scenarios like planning summer breaks, scheduling orthodontist appointments, and ensuring pet care contingency plans are dissected to demonstrate this imbalance. Instead of the common advice to delegate tasks, I propose a radical shift—transferring ownership. By completely shifting the responsibility, you'll discover how it frees up your mental space and reduces stress, bringing a sense of balance and calm to your life.
In this episode, I cover:
- What mental load is and examples
- Transfer of ownership vs. delegation of tasks
- How to actually transfer ownership of tasks
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FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Megan:
Friends, the fact is that the planning and productivity community as a whole in large is really failing women today, and they're doing so because they are not addressing pragmatic, tactical solutions of how we can free up some time by lightening our mental load. Right, people don't want to talk about it because it's a yucky conversation and they don't really know how to tackle it. Well, that's what we're going to be doing here today on the podcast, and I'm actually going to give you a takeaway you can go implement right away to help you lighten your mental load. Welcome to the Work-Life Harmony podcast. Guess what? You don't have to feel constantly overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed out. There is another way. When you have the right systems and tools to plan and manage your time, you can live a life of harmony. If you're ready to stop feeling overwhelmed, this is the show for you. Welcome back to Work-Life Harmony.
Megan:
Today, I want to talk to you very specifically about a technique that you can use to really help lighten your mental load. Now, if you follow a lot of the same people I do out on social media, one of the things I love is that I am seeing a lot of content creators out there really highlighting this idea and this concept of what people are referring to as the mental load that women and oftentimes primary caregivers really are. It can be all-consuming right, and I love that this is being highlighted and identified and we're starting to talk about it. This is something I am very passionate about and this is why everything I teach when it comes to time management and planning, I say is specifically for women, because most of, or really all of the time management solutions I have either taken courses in, read books on, etc. Are not addressing this, and this is something I'm super passionate about, and so this is why I do address how do we create plans and control our calendar that acknowledges this mental load, because it takes time, it consumes our time and it consumes our energy. Now, before we dive into one of the solutions that I want to offer here today, first I want to define what I'm referring to when I talk about the mental load, because I'm seeing some different takes on it out there. So when I am referring to this idea of the mental load here today, what I'm referring to are all of the things that wouldn't necessarily show up on your to-do list, all right, or surrounding work that needs to be put into something that might go on your to-do list, all right, so let me just toss out some examples here.
Megan:
At the time I'm recording this, we are getting very close to summer break starting. My brain is working over time of figuring out right how do we fill the days, how do I continue to work? I always put a lot of work and preparation into creating what I call A days and B days to navigate summer break. Like that doesn't sit on a traditional to-do list, but it's occupying a lot of my mental space and it's something I know is up to me mostly to figure out.
Megan:
Other silly ones just want to throw out there that have hit me recently. My daughter is in braces and every time we have to schedule we're in there, usually every four to six weeks. Well, I always know that for the first two to three days afterwards there's a lot of pain. It's very hard for my daughter to eat, and so even something as simple as scheduling the next orthodontist appointment, I'm always thinking OK, what do we have the next two days after it? Do I need to do? I need to move it? Silly stuff like that right One that popped into my head just this morning.
Megan:
We are going to be going on a trip over summer and we are boarding our dogs and the person who is taking care. We're putting them into someone's home and the person taking care of them has a strict rule that they will not take care of a dog that's in heat. Well, I need a contingency plan for what if my puppy goes into heat right before that trip? What the heck are we going to do, right? So, again, just it's a myriad of things that are really deep and serious. To just all of those things that turn in our head that don't translate to a, here's a task that I can go knock out and get done. All right.
Megan:
So a lot of these solutions that I'm seeing out there from quote productivity experts are all talking about the importance of delegation. To quote lighten your load. Friends, I'm here to tell you delegating is not the answer. Delegating does not lighten your mental load. So if someone is telling you all you need to do is delegate something, stop listening to them for advice on how to lighten your mental load. All right, now, here is a solution, one solution to help lighten your mental load. All right, now, here is a solution, one solution to help lighten your mental load, and it is actually doing a transfer of ownership. Now you may be thinking, megan, delegating and transferring of ownership are the same thing. No, they are not. So let's look at delegating first. Let's give an example Delegating I like to think of it as a very traditional project management kind of role, right?
Megan:
So delegating means you are thinking through everything. You've created a whole plan, you might have broken it down, there's a bunch of tasks that need to be done, and then you assign tasks to someone that's delegating the work. So at least you're saying, well, I'm not responsible for doing everything, so I'm gonna have this person do this and I'm gonna have that person do that. But delegating typically means you still are responsible. You own the responsibility if things go wrong, meaning you're checking in. Maybe you're having to change plans if a certain thing doesn't get done. Right, that does not lighten your mental load. You're still thinking about it, you're still owning it, you're still checking in with people, right?
Megan:
So let's give an example of what I'm talking about here, because I saw this one recently pop up on social media. As a way, to quote lighten your mental load. As they said hey, get someone else in your family to do the weekly grocery shopping. Is they said hey, get someone else in your family to do the weekly grocery shopping. Well, the shopping, the easy part, right. But if you're still owning, okay, what is it that we're going to eat for this week? And then you're creating the shopping list and then you're giving the list to the person, right? And then they head off to the store and then they start calling you from the store. What did you mean by blah, blah, blah on this list? Or, hey, you have noodles on here, what kind of noodles do we need? Because I don't know what kind of noodles to buy, right, and then maybe they come home and two of the things aren't gotten, like. That does not lighten your mental load. If you're doing all the thought and preparation for it and then just handing the list for someone to go do the shopping, that is not going to lighten your load, all right.
Megan:
So what is this concept, then, of transferring of ownership? Transferring of ownership, back to the example I just gave, would be saying you now own, figuring out what food we need for the week, what meals are happening, and getting the shopping done, meaning you're not responsible for any of it. Now imagine that if you literally didn't have to, okay, what meals to eat? Well, so and so doesn't eat this, but this person doesn't like that, so I gotta have a backup plan for them, or they're allergic to this, so I can't do that. Right, what if you got rid of all of that? That is truly lightening the mental load. Now I have to tell on myself a little bit here, and the reason I used this example is this is a shift that we have made in our house. That's been fantastic.
Megan:
My daughter has a significant number of kind of really being concerned about nutrition and are we getting enough proteins, and all of this, and it has been very consuming at certain stages of life. And while my husband always would happily go do the grocery shopping, I still carried the mental load of all that goes along with that, especially if you are caring for someone that has a lot of food sensitivities, that kind of a thing. Well, this year, with a shift in our big family schedule and we were looking at roles, responsibilities, all of that one thing that I just said I really I just want to be done with all things meal prep and dinners and all like just I don't enjoy any of it and all. I don't enjoy any of it, and so my husband took that on 100% and so that means he is making sure that we have all the right breakfast food, all the right foods to go into lunches. We do sit down as a family and kind of talk through, hey, what dinners do we want for next week? But then he's the one making the grocery list, doing the shopping, all of that.
Megan:
It is a true transfer of ownership, and I didn't recognize just how much of a mental load it had lightened until the other week he was gone on travel for an entire week. And I used to, years ago, get so frustrated when I would go away on travel and there would have to be conversations back and forth with him around. And again, this was when my daughter was much younger, not of an age where she was making her own meals and packing lunches and stuff, and so I would have to, like, make lists of, like, here's what we need to feed her here, here's what needs to go in her lunch. I remember being very frustrated by that. Well, now here we are, because of true transfer of ownership. I found myself having to sit down with my family and say, hey, fill me in, guys. Like, what's going on? What are we doing in lunchboxes? And it was. I noticed a tremendous additional load on my brain over the course of that week with him gone, and so that was such a wake-up call for me of the freedom that you get when you truly transfer ownership, not just delegate.
Megan:
Now this leads to the next point, which is this and I'm calling out myself because I certainly fall into this trap, but for all my fellow, maybe control freaks and I use that term with love Usually we're control freaks for a reason, right, like well, if I don't do it, it won't get done, and so we do feel like we need to have control of stuff a hundred percent. But it means that transferring of ownership may be hard, all right, it is hard to do in certain situations because it means you have to let go. You have to let go of control and you have to let go of being married to a specific outcome of what that looks like, all right. And it means things may be done differently than you and you have to learn to be OK with that. Certainly, some of the stuff with food and meals and all that around our house look differently than when I did it. Okay, I'm letting that go.
Megan:
So how can we start right? Because most of you are like, well, I can't even figure out what one thing might be. So here is your homework for today to help you get started on truly finding at least one thing, because once you transfer ownership of one thing, I'm telling you, it gets easier and easier. So as you go about your next few days, I want you to jot down anything that is causing that kind of mental stress, that middle of the night like, oh my gosh, how am I going to handle this? Right? Those things that have your wheels going in your brain, that isn't just a oh, I can't forget to go pick up a birthday present for Jill thing, right, not the task things, but the things that are really taking a lot of mental capacity. And once you can visually see them. And once you can visually see them, I want you to identify which one on that list is one that you right. This is one that, if it doesn't go exactly the way I think it should, I'm going to be okay with that. And if you're not willing to pick one, well then you're going to be stuck in that mental load forever.
Megan:
All right, so you've got to pick something to let go of, then find a time, that is, first identify who is it that you're going or who could be more than one person who are you going to transfer ownership to All right, transfer ownership to All right and then find a time over the next week where it is a good, relaxed time Right we don't want to do it in the heat of the moment or the heat of stress to sit down with that person or people and have a conversation around this. And if you are already doing weekly planning, if you've already been through my top program and you've mastered weekly planning, this activity can actually go into your weekly plan. So I'm actually planning on having this conversation with both my husband and daughter this Saturday. It's on my weekly plan because I realized I have an annual trip I take with my daughter and it takes some preparation to make sure we have all the moving things that we need to get for this trip every year, especially when you have young kids whose size changes every single year. And I was looking at when I was doing my monthly planning. I was looking ahead and realizing the several weekends leading up to that trip are booked, and so I'm recognizing that there needs to be planning for that happening now, or else it's going to be chaos trying to get out the door.
Megan:
Well, with everything else I have going on, that is something I can transfer ownership of. So I know that this Saturday afternoon there will be an opportunity where I will sit down with my husband, with my daughter, we will address hey, here's the reality of our life, our plans. This trip is happening. I need for the two of you to get together and make sure that everything is ready for that trip, which also means if we go on the trip and the things are not there, part of that conversation is, if you don't have everything that you desire by the time we go, I'm not handling that. You don't get to complain to me. It doesn't become my problem, right? So this is something I am willing to completely let go of. The outcome of Now, again, depending upon what you're transferring and if it involves young children, you may need to pick something different because you want to make sure you're not stuck dealing with a potentially bad outcome.
Megan:
But I promise you this the more you can do full transfer of ownership and have clear communication around that, the better you will sleep, the lighter your mental load becomes, the more joy you have, the more peace you have and the less exhaustion you have and oftentimes the less resentment that we have. That starts to build up and one of the things I've been learning over the last many years is that the more I can communicate these is that the more I can communicate these, the lighter my load gets and then the happier my life becomes, along with others. Now I have mentioned this, I actually put into my weekly plan okay, this is when I need to make sure we sit down and have a transfer of ownership. If you have not heard of the top program, if you are not familiar with my approach to planning, I call it a very feminine planning. This why it is a planning system for women. I have a great video that you can go check out that introduces you to this and tells you a bit about my time management and planning program, which is called the top program. So if you are interested in checking that out, you can go over to the work life harmonycom and just sign up and I will send that video training right over to you in your inbox. All right, friends, I hope you have a great week and really I encourage you do the exercise I laid out here today, it will 100% be worth it.
Megan:
On the back end, getting on top of all things time management, organization and productivity doesn't have to stop just because this episode is over. If you are feeling overwhelmed, your calendar's out of control or you're just running in a race that will never end in terms of your to-do list, I have great news for you. I have an app in both the App Store and Google Play called the Pink Bee, and it is chock full of small but incredibly powerful trainings to help you get out of overwhelm. It includes my signature Ditch the Overwhelm training and introduction to my time management framework, built specifically for women. In addition, you get access to my epic one notebook challenge and some tips and tricks on how to get your phone organized to minimize distractions. All of that is available for you right inside the Pink Bee app. So open up either your app store or Google Play, do a search on the word the pink bee all one word and download the app to get started today.
